I showed him my bush... on skype.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
