I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
