Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
