I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
