so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
