Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
