If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize