I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
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