My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
