but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
