Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
