I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Everclear isn't food dammit
A bitchslap is in order.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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