i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
