mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
