"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
