it hurts more in the daytime
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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