You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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