and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
