i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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