I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
