Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize