Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
