I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
