i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
