She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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