i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
