At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
