dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
