her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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