You really coming over, don't trick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
