The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Everclear isn't food dammit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
