If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
