i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
