So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i think i just lost a toe
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
