The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
