im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
