It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
and she was petting her beer can
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
