I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Drake has all the answers
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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