dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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