No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
