You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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