So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
