All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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