I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
