I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
