Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
