So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
