Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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