Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
