Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
