the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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