i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
