11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
