Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hell yes lets make some ravioli
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How does one acquire holy water?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
