Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
