I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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