I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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