then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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