they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
